I started this blog in 2011, five years after one of the worst
years of my adult life and shortly before one of the most emotional trials of
my life. I learned from that time and experience. I have moved on and have
grown. I turned the wheel of my life to the ripe age of 45 this summer. Moving
into the “middle age” group worries me. Have I done enough in my life? I have
read through many of the old blogs, and they share pain, sorrow, bias, and at
times anger. The reading of these old memories, scrape at wounds I didn’t know
I still had. Some of them brought tears of release, some of them brought anger.
My soul was raw at the end, a catharsis of emotion I don’t believe I was ready
for. I am turning a new year with a new view on my past and those reflections.
My life is so different now, that after allowing the movement this river
of pain, joy, and happiness through me, I found I viewed the past in subtler and more balanced
light. I have decided to archive the old blogs and begin new and fresh. Some of
the blogs I will rework and republish. Some of them are best left in the
archives.
On Samhain night, (the astrological event) I sat under the full
moon at our Clan’s Ancestor Altar. For a bit of time, the wind was silent, the
leaves were still. I sighed with peace, a calmness came over me. Inside, for
the strangest reason I felt as if I was sitting within the arms of the Goddess.
I gentle warmth. To be truthful it freaked me out a bit. I have always look on
calm as the warning before the storm, but this felt different. In flickering of
candle light that bathed the area in a soft warm glow and the wisps of incense
wafted over the altar with subtle and alluring scent I felt peace.
The bench I was sitting on became a moss-covered log, a glowing
mirror set next to the altar became the portal to the other realms. I traveled
a long and winding path to a meadow. This journey left me nervous, as if I was
being called into the presence of something so powerful I couldn’t process it.
But even with the trepidation, the smell of night flowers, crackling fire, and
some other smell I couldn’t describe came to me, calmed me, and I fell back
into that sense of peace that I had sitting at my altar. There, next to the
fire, on logs drinking tea were three women. On the open log, was a cup of tea.
They gestured to me to have a seat on the open log and share tea. At this point
I was seriously worried. Just what was in that tea? I chose to embrace the experience.
The tea was everything, as it went down, peace filled my soul. I felt I was where
I was meant to be, that it was almost destined. All of us, now four women in
total, sipped our tea and breathed in the night. The night was black velvet
above us and glittering stars flew overhead. It was a time between time and a
world set apart. Just four witches, enjoying the full moon night. Then, they
spoke to me, spoke to my heart.
The first of the three women, an elderly
woman looked up at me, her cheeks were soft, wrinkled and white. Her soul
glowed from within and a twinkle was set deep within her eyes. I was sitting next
to Mrs. Claus, it was a bit of humor in what was a very serious meeting. My humor
felt almost disrespectful inside of me. But she knew, she smiled slightly shook
her head and said.
“Fly. Travel the worlds. Use your voice,
your magick, your life, and your words. Show the world who you are.”
My response to this was fear. Yes fear. I am scared to show the
world who and what I am. I don’t seek the spot light. The idea of calling
attention to myself to show what I can do, it brings about almost a panic
attack. It is hard to breath and I normally pull back within myself. This time,
I couldn’t.
The second woman leaned toward me, she was
full in shape, pregnant, and radiant.
“Share your journey with the
world. There maybe someone who needs to hear the words.”
As before, I was scared to hear the words, what would they mean
for me, how could I ask for attention. I have spent my entire life hiding, not
always succeeding, but hiding non-the less. The idea that I could no longer
hide brought fear. I was on the verge of falling into a pit of the abyss.
“But I am no one, I replied.”
She knew what I was feeling, but it didn’t
stop her.
“Share them anyway, give them as a gift.”
“But I am no one, I replied.”
As I answered, the third woman looked at
me. Young and vivacious. Long flowing hair and brilliant eyes. She cocked her
head with a wry, knowing smile.
“What is your dream? she asked.”
Know this was a question. Dreams, dreams I
could answer. Joy lit me up, the passion that I hide from the world danced in
my eyes and my skin too became a radiant glow. As I thought about it, I knew. “I
dream of sweet dances upon the marsh, fires, magick, and passion.”
“Ah”, she said “where is that
passion found?”
I had to think hard, where was my
passion found? what is it that makes me excited about those things? Where did I
find them? I was scared, because I didn’t know where to find it. That has been
my life long problem. I was afraid that I would never find it. But this night I
did. After a minute, I had my answer
“In the time between time, and the space
set apart.”
The first woman leaned forward, a warm
comforting smell came to me, her twinkling eyes lifted at the corners as she
smiled. In a soft weathered voice
“Well then, share your passion, your
life, your experiences. If only for you to put it out in a time between time,
and a world set apart.”
We sat there for a moment, a brief flicker
of time, listening to the crackle of fire, the gentle breeze, and the sound of
the night. My mind was racing with panic, joy, and trepidation. I knew my life
would change and I was scared I wouldn’t be able to live up to the request
before me. I heard the rustle of leaves behind me and I knew it was time
to come back.
Just as I was leaving, they spoke in one
voice.
“Don’t you remember? You are the queen,
the hidden mystery, the wild dragon soul, your journey is the magick.”
With that, I was back in our circle. Their
voice(s) echoing like a soft dream and our new initiate approached to check on
me. To make sure that there wasn’t anything I needed, to offer help to close
the circle down, as I was the last one through. With a smile in my heart I
knew, that my journey was worth it, and sharing it with others was something I
needed to do. Joy, peace, and a sense of calm came about me. I walked
back into our great hall and knew that I had so much love and support in my
circle. A feeling I had lost, I know had again. I was now in this time, in this
space, but I knew, the path on the cross roads had just begun.
Listening to the Ancestors has always been one of the hardest
things for me to do. I struggle with putting myself in the lime light. Even
though the push is for me to share. This year though, I am going to do what I
have been called to do. Share my experience with people. Maybe, just
maybe, there is something in my life experiences that will help others, maybe
it will help heal me as I travel. One step at a time, each one shedding my fear
and embracing my joy.
Some of what I share will not be pretty or pleasant. I will label
those blogs with *Trigger* to help those that may need warning. Some of
my journey will be magickal, not set in our current realm. They may be visions,
quests, dreams and journeys. There maybe be a mundane life, community thought,
and even political discussion. I hope that you will join me as I venture
through the cross roads.
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